In news that will shock absolutely no-one who isn’t a 1980’s throwback, St. Ives Councillors have made the decision to not allow local weirdos, the Western Hunt, to prance about on Feast Day.
A local councillor, who wished to remain anonymous, contacted St. Ives Facts and Statistics as Cornwall Live couldn’t figure out how to answer their phones due to it having so many confusing buttons, and gave us a candid statement:
“Basically they’re all fucking weirdos. Who the fuck wants to tear apart a fox with a dog? If your kid kills a frog for a laugh you get worried he’s going to be the next Peter Sutcliffe, but for some reason if you own a horse and a Land Rover you can do what you like?”
“And don’t even get me started on the ‘we’re just running about chasing scents’ bollocks. No-one really believed that Tommy Rock Shop paid duty on his tobacco and no-one believes that old load of shit either.”
“The local bootlickers like to claim it’s traditional, but then again so was eating your firstborn in Penryn until recently and everyone’s glad they stopped celebrating that at Harvest Festival.”
This has understandably caused upset within St. Ives’ deviant community, with many individuals who exhibit a disturbing lack of empathy angrily pecking their index fingers at their keyboards to complain.
Derek Cretin, Nancledra: “Well there’s just no point keeping the animals I supposedly love if I can’t make them kill other animals like Ted Bundy’s version of Robot Wars. Off to the drowning pits come Monday.”
Gerald Backdoor, Towednack: “I’m just going have to start killing cats again and you know how cross mother gets when I do that”
Frederick Dirigible, St. Ives: “How the fuck am I supposed to maintain an erection if my wife isn’t covered in the still-warm blood of a wild animal with her trousers smelling of horse? Preposterous.”
It seems that St. Ives lurches ever forward into a golden new age of Lattes, Bagels, Contactless Payments and Not Celebrating Blatant Animal Cruelty – what else could the future hold?
Thanks for this report St Ives Facts and Statistics Facebook Page!!